Thoughts on October and November continued:

Back now, i have twenty minutes until class starts. I wanted to end my stressful blog with a note that i didn't forget any of my past friends, i remember all of you constantly, and at some point in my day i mention you to someone. I'm sure you know who you are and i don't think i have to write names. The other day i was talking to my cousin, Malik, he told me how one of our friends, our is used loosely here, asked about me. I felt so happy with that piece of information, knowing that Jersey misses me is like WOAH! Only because i miss Jersey too, and i was hoping it went both ways, i mean it would suck if i thought about people and they don't even remember the first letter of my name.
I don't know what else to say, I'm growing blank, i had so many thoughts, but after going to math class and getting #5 wrong on my quiz made me realize how much i hate math, and it takes a big part of my brain out of focus. It's like GRRRRRRRrrr. I feel dumb when it comes to math.
Well mates, hopefully I'll stumble upon you soon, who knows maybe you'll catch a plane to Michigan and surprise me, or sleep walk through the valleys of Ohio, Pennsylvania, and some other state I'm not sure..... hah
love yaz,
always on my mind Y'all
i know its from that children's book I'm reading........don't ask



Alis Volat Propiis

Stress!!!: Thoughts about October and November

Amazing how life changes within a few months. Only months ago i was contemplating on everything going on in my life, and why. My engagement party was supposed to be tomorrow, October 17, 2008. However an unfortunate visit to the hospital caused us to postpone until the First of November. My Fiance's Father was recently checked in to the hospital, due to a miscommunication in medicine dosages. Thank goodness he is much better now, but he won't be out until maybe tomorrow or the day after. Imagine an engagement without the father of the groom, no one would have it. Even though this caused many confused family members coming from New Jersey to postpone all their plans, i am content with our decision. I have been constantly visiting my father -in -law in the hospital. I don't like hospitals much, but this hospital was different, even though it smelled like that hospital smell we all dread, and sick patients with their tushes bare to the world were roaming around the halls and were in their beds, the nasty food trays were in every corner, and running doctors wearing grass green and whitish pink. I felt it was somewhere i had to be, it was not only an obligation, it was more than that. I enjoy spending time with Hass' family, even though my mother is my shadow everywhere. His father is such a happy man, very loving. His mother is different, i can't make her out quite yet, but i know she is an amazing soul. His brother is rather quiet, not used to him yet, but his sister-in-law is a lot like me in some ways, their children are so cute. His sister, is one of a kind, she is very beautiful, very happy, always seems smiling, her children are even greater, they are so..., i can't seem to find the exact words for it, but i hope you know what i mean. She has five children, each with a special characteristic, i appreciate all of them, and know we will grow even closer and closer.


I must run to class....i will continue later today!


XOXOXOXOXO

I love him!!!!

I think its safe to say that i am in a point in my life where everything is perfection!!! Exactly the way i always wanted it. God sent me an angel, someone who loves me enough to go through heights to make me happy, someone who loves family and who is so easy to get along with. I am glad i was where i was the moment he laid his eyes on me. At first i wasn't very fond of the idea of talking to him, i was trying to get away, i didn't think he was the right person for me. I thought he would be like every other Dearborn guy i met, but he definitely proved me wrong. The night he got my number and talked to me on the phone, his words sunk straight into my heart. I'm sure this is what i want and the path i want to take, i just want to be happy in life and make someone happy as well.
I have so much more to say, but i can't seem to let the words out correctly. It's very difficult to explain the way i feel at this moment, however i can simply say i am living on cloud nine

Inspiration

I was inspired to write this particular blog by a particular friend.
We were talking about how frustrating it is when Lebanese in Lebanon do not understand the lifestyle we lead here in the United States.
It pains me to see when I'm working my butt of here, and going to school, while family members back home are expecting us to give them our all, and devote our lives to them, because they aren't making money the way we are, and because they are "poor". They may be poor, but they are poor in the brain. They don't use it to find ways to live the lifestyle they wish for. Like my friend said "They think we pick our money off trees", which is obvious we don't. I wish they would just understand that one day. Open their naive little narrow minded brains and think, what do we do all day, we are stressed all the time and we always wait for the moment to come to Lebanon, obviously its not to see their greedy ass faces, but its for vacation, and relaxation.
Lol!
It's funny how we go to Lebanon for vacation, its like we want more drama in our lives. Every time i visit Lebanon or even think about visiting problems always magically appear in my face.
I wonder why!
Back to my main topic, i just ask our Lebanese brothers and sisters to open up their minds and realize we don't have it half as good as you do, yes, you are always in war environments, yes, you don't drive the nicest cars, or wear the best clothes, but you are around people who care about you 24/7. You have a social life. My social life is "Hey Boss" "How may i help you" Good Night" "Good Morning", "what else would you like?"
Well I'm half asleep writing this, and probably half of it doesn't make sense, but if you feel the same way i do, you will probably understand what my point of view on this topic is. If i wanted to further go into the topic, it is never ending.

Ciao for now

Random Thoughts

I'm bored at work at this particular moment, thought it was a perfect time to update my blog since i haven't done so in a long time.
Lots of things have been running through my mind lately, well there are always things on my mind, but now its difficult to keep up with the thoughts. My mental fuse is gonna burst one day, i can feel it. My brother Amir moved back to Jersey last month, i miss him, auntie Diana told me he's finally a man, lol, thank God hes getting his life together like normal beings. My other brother Nadim, i barely ever see anymore cause of his girlfriend, work, and school. He might as well move out to sterling heights, all he does when he comes home is stir up commotion with the 'rents, and annoy the shit outta me, As for Karim, hes working, working, and working, Lol i never see him. I never see anyone actually, I'm always working or trying to avoid the house as much as possible, its soo depressing in that house.
I wish we can move back to New Jersey or something, i mean i have nothing here for me. College here sucks, I'm changing majors anyways, no one who cares about me, no real friends, i recently found out. The only person i thought will stay beside me was never really ever by me. No one was by me when i lost my cousins, no one was by me when i had a hard time in college, no one was there for me EVER! I was always there for everyone, and it bothers me, why should i put myself in that situation if i know they won't do nearly the things i do for them.
Back in Jersey i have my real friends, and if not them i have my family, my blood, who i know will never stab me in the back.
Lebanon is not an option for me anymore, i can't live there. I can go for vacay but never actually live there.
Wow, it's soo slow at work :(, its Sunday i guess, the slow day, well there goes half the time now half of it is left. 3: 30.
I can't wait to get the money I've been saving up in the monthly family lottery, i have soo many bills to get rid of, and soo many things to buy.
Too bad Sarra Pooh Honey Bunch went off to Egypt, god knows when the next time she'll be online will be. I miss her, glad i saw her last time i went to Jersey, quite honestly, no one else really matters, from the group, as much as i love them, I know Sarra is the only one there for me.
Recently, i got back in contact with my close childhood cousin, Nadia Saheli, my family isn't very fond of her like they were before. When we were little our families were inseparable, but over the years, Sh*t happened and you know how that gets. I'm glad we are close again, she is my lucky charm, she helped open so many doors for me, and she's teaching me a lot. I mean if i was to stay in Dearborn, I'll probably just stay for her.




Hopefully I'll have another reason to stay very soon:$ !


Kill me now,
my hearts pounding,
you're racing through my mind,
and i can't do anything about it,
I need a sign, just to know where I'm standing,
Am i being lead on, or you for real,
guy i gotta know,
I feel gangsta now with my gangsta poem,
But I'm proper and neat,
and everything sweet,
Open up your eyes,
realize,
maybe,
just maybe,
its fate,
its meant to be!



LOL i know :s

Frustration!!!!

Do you ever feel like you can't trust anyone because no one understands you? Are you ever in a situation where it feels like everyone is against you although your teen years are over, done with and you are on the verge of being a young adult lady/lad but yet you are unsure of who to trust and who to be with and who to give your life's precious pearls to?
Well here is your solution......NOT!!!!!!!



THERE IS NO SOLUTION


I feel like this every day of my life, i don't understand, i mean each person i talk to is from my culture, my religion, my background, but yet they are soo close minded and don't understand what i am trying to get through to their heads. Maybe i have a more Americanized mentality then i thought, but i don't go out doing the Sh** i know I'm not supposed to do, like smoke pot and do the naughty naughty. Haram is the word I've been hearing since i was a kid. Oh this is haram you can't do that. Oh its haram to eat that. And quite honestly i am soo proud of knowing what my background is and where i am from.
You see I know for a fact that my Lebanese "friends" know where i am coming from with everything, they just hate going deep with someone and knowing who they really are, and they tend to not talk about someone they would rather not talk about, they make it seem like mentioning that person is TABOO or something. It's hard for me to trust anyone. I can never open up to a Lebanese mentality person without them judging me or saying something mean, or ignoring me. And it is not because me opening up is anything bad, but only because they haven't been through the things i have, and haven't seen the things I've seen. I mean dude, they lived in war environments most of their lives, and yet find a way to live it up, which i totally admire.
I sometimes seem to believe that they want everyone to act the way they want, and expect them to. Like one of my friends expects me to talk to him a certain way, because everyone else does. But why should i if i don't want to. Sometimes i have an old Lebanese mentality, which i love about myself, because girls now a days fall to easily, and get hurt at the end.


The point I'm trying to make in this blog is each and every person in this world always wants to feel loved and understood, and usually that happens only with them being with someone they care about. For me i can't trust anyone and believe any of them actually care about me, until they know me for me. Which none of them give me a chance to show, right away they want to go into the subject trying to make me believe they do care. I hear the same exact words each time, EACH AND EVERY TIME, nothing original, nothing new, nothing to believe, or to go straight to the heart.

Here is one of my lame-o poems i promised Sarra!

I want to love you
I really and truly do
But how can i love someone not there
Life is so unfair
It makes you go through all these emotions
The hormones start all these commotions
But what's the point if you're truly not beside me
I hear the words of love but cannot see
Baby you gotta know it's hard for me
There is no us
There will never be
Only until you reveal yourself to me
I hate all those things you do
It hurts me when you think if you use your voodoo
It will all be forgotten and ill forgive you
But keep in mind i don't forget
I keep in my heart all that is said
You have your hobbies that worry me
And all those little habits that drive me crazy
But i can't stop thinking about you
You're always on my mind running through
If you think about me it'll be a breakthrough
A miracle brewed
You say all those nice things to me
You tell me i love you
Can't you see
You don't know me for who i really am
And sometimes i wish you can just end this scam
And get to know me, I'm not just a piece of Lahem.


Hehe ok so like, the poem says it all.